No More 3x5's
by Fictor
Summary: (PG-13 for a little bit of language). Ever wonder what happened to the Lost Colony of Roanoke?
1. Of the Life of Tricia

Hey kids, I'm new to the Fanfic writing scene. This story is mostly something to get off my mind. I'll probably keep writing on it even if I'm flamed to death, but I wouldn't mind nice reviews at all. :)  
  
*******************  
  
I looked at the clock on my computer; it read 11:40pm. Ah, the thrill of staying up later than usual. Yeah, I know, I'm the next Evil Conevil. I was thoroughly engrossed in a Mary-Sue on Fanfiction.net when, to my extreme distress, I heard footsteps. Did I mention that I was supposed to be in bed over an hour ago?   
  
I was supposed to be in bed over an hour ago.  
  
I did just what my normal seventeen-year-old counterparts would have done--I turned off the lights and the screen on my computer so that my dad (I presumed it was my dad, anyways) would think I was asleep.   
  
I would like to take a minute here to say that I've been embarrassed many times in my life. When I was in sixth grade, I went camping with my class at my teacher's farm/ranch. This was the first time I was introduced to "snipe-hunting". Needless to say, I found out that one cannot catch a snipe with a large trash bag in the middle of nowhere at night. I planned revenge in my head as I walked back to the house. But there's nothing like the screams of wild hogs to snap one's self out of blissful reverie. I ended up hightailing it back without regard to the nettles that were bludgeoning my legs.   
  
That was bad, but not as bad as this next instance. Once at school last year, I was using the restroom when I discovered that I had not properly locked the door. How did I know this? Simple. One of my classmates wordlessly told me when she opened the door. I must have avoided her for a few weeks, an incredible feat when there is only 16 people in your class.  
  
What am I getting at, you ask? Well, it's time to add another embarrassing memory to my short life, one of my father opening the door only to find his eldest daughter staring at a dark computer screen, slightly drooling (me, not the computer screen. Hey, it was a good fic.).   
  
"Honey, what are you doing? You're supposed to be in bed."  
  
Should I go with the remorseful look or feign innocence? Eh, better to save the innocent face for when I really need it. "Sorry, dad. I was just going to bed. I, uh, had to finish up a report for school."  
  
"Then why is the screen off?"  
  
"Well….I did just finish, remember? Remarkable timing you have. Ok, good night dad. I'm really tired and all. See you in the morning!" With that, I walked the few steps from my desk chair to my bed and promptly pulled the sheets over my head. I was planning on waiting until my parents had gone to sleep, then getting back on the computer and finishing the story. Yes, I must admit, Mary-Sues are a fetish of mine. Make them cheesy, make them funny, I don't care. The only ones I dislike are the incredibly unrealistic ones. Ok ok ok, so they are all a tad surreal.   
  
Ok, so absolutely none of them are in any way remotely real at all.   
  
I mean the ones where said girl from here dumped in Middle-Earth doesn't even seem to care that she is no longer among the ranks OF HUMANS BUT FREAKS WITH POINTED EARS. Oh, sorry about that. Just something that really irks me. You could say that I'm a connoisseur of Mary-Sues.   
  
Anyways, back to reality. Where am I? Right, in my bed. I look back at the clock. Hmm, the screen is off. Oh right, there's a clock right next to me on my nightstand. It's 12:10am. The parental units should be asleep by now. So all I have to do is get out of bed. Yep, just have to swing my legs on the floor and walk over to my desk. Yep, that's all I have to do.   
  
….  
  
…..  
  
….  
  
Alas, my body isn't listening to my brain. Or my brain isn't listening to my body. In any case, there will be no more reading of fanfiction tonight. As I drift off to sleep, I wonder what kind of Mary-Sue I would make. All of the other girls have the perfect bodies, beautiful eyes, hair that anyone would be jealous of, etc. Not to mention a perfect personality. Funny how many break-up lines here include "you have a wonderful personality, BUT…". Seems in Middle-Earth those with wonderful personalities are true jewels. Makes one wonder, what kind of sucky people live there?  
  
I could describe myself, but it wouldn't ever compare to the ethereal Sue. I do indeed have bra-strap length auburn hair, but it is dark so that only the sun can reveal it in all it's glory. (Or so I've been told. I'm a bit vain in this area, I really want to see my hair in the sun :D.) But that would have to be my best trait. My hazel eyes are more than common. The only cool part about them is that they "change colors" depending on the color of shirt I am wearing. I am very fair skinned, but not without freckles. Whoever says that freckles are 'angel kisses' are, quite frankly, dumbasses. They are annoying, even to one such as I who doesn't worry too much about her looks. Moving on, I am tall. I'm 5'7 and ¾, to be exact. Many of my friends envy my height, but it's very weird to tower above them a good 4 or 5 inches. Yes, my legs are long, but there is a consequence. I am short waisted.  
  
Let me just say that one of the worst curses on the human female body is short-waistedness. Forget swimsuits, unless you want to wear a bikini or else spend six months prior to summer vacation doing a zillion sit-ups a day. I don't have a beer-gut, but I don't have the flattest stomach out there either. Neither am I a petite 105 pounds, easy to be carried around by the charming Prince Le---umm…yes. I happen to be 125 pounds. Nothing to be ashamed of, but not super-model material either.  
  
What does all of this tell you? Simple. I am your average seventeen-year-old girl. With this less-than-happy thought, I fell into dreamland.  
  
*******************************  
  
So this is the first blah chapter. More stuff will happen next. I'm planning on making it a romance, eventually, but I don't know with whom I should....romance. ;) Any ideas? 


	2. Car Fun

Enjoy. I just thought of a v. cool concept I could use with this story, so it kinda has a twist to it (how many times have you heard THAT?).

*********************************

I woke the next morning to the lovely screeching of my alarm clock two inches from my head. 

What a lovely way to greet the day, I thought wryly. _I'll just close my eyes for a minute and…._

I woke up the next morning to the lovely screeching of my alarm clock two inches from my head. Wait…._Holy crap, I'm going to be late for school! Damn those snooze buttons._ I threw my discman and a few CDs (I usually wake up a half-hour early so I can listen to music before doing ANYTHING in my backpack ) along with a blueberry muffin in my backpack. I threw on a nay-blue polo and some khakis (oh yes, I go to a small Christian school. With uniforms. Gag.). I also put on my black choker. I like to freak out some of the teachers. They think I'm somehow being "rebellious" by wearing black accessories. I decided not to waste time with make-up and contacts at home, so I threw them in my backpack too. I picked up my small, silver glasses (pretty cute, I have to say), and flew out the door. 

I have only recently gotten my license, but I drive a 2000 Camry. Not exactly something to cruise around in, but it's one more step in freedom. I got on the highway decided to speed for once (ok, so I do it most every day) to get to school on time. Seventy miles per hour, eighty miles per hour….eighty-five miles per hour. I popped Linkin Park's Reanimation in my CD player to wake me up. 

Flipping to number thirteen, I sang along to my favorite song.

__

Why does it feel like night today?

Something in here's not right today

Why am I so uptight today?

Paranoia's all I got left-left-left-left

(PPR: Kut by Linkin Park)

Crap. My best CD, and it's skipping. In hopes of dusting it off, I push the eject button. It didn't come out, so I pushed it again. 

….

I started furiously hitting the eject button. Of course, I couldn't give 100% of my attention to the road, but at that moment I was more interested in saving my poor CD from the jaws of the monster of my CD player. Then, as if all the smashing of the eject button had built up enormous pressure, the car spit my CD out clear to the backseat. Still feeling a little bit frustrated and not willing to give up so easily, I fished around in the back seat for the CD. There! I felt it! 

Just….almost there…..

As I was stretching backwards, I could feel my foot pressing harder on the gas. 

__

Oh well, I'm getting this God-forsaken CD! OOOOH! Got it!!!

I came back up to see not the highway but a solid rock wall fast approaching. I slammed on the brakes, managing to avoid certain death. But as I looked around, I had to wonder whether I was in the same world I was in a few seconds before. I ventured out of my car and stood on the hood to get a better view. For miles all I could see was prairie. And rocks. Prairie and rocks.

__

Where am I?

******************

How was that? I know it wasn't as long, but I'm just trying to move the story along. Anyways, for all of you gagging out there, I think you will like the next chapter. :) Please review, it would make me soooo happy.


	3. Meeting Hobo and His Friends

YAY! Chapter three! Oh yes, before I forget…

Disclaimer: Never have I, nor do I, nor will I in the foreseeable future own Lord of the Rings (Want to get me something for Christmas?). This disclaimer is good for the whole story, coz I don't want to write it over and over again. Ok, so I'm lazy. :b 

To my wonderful first reviewer: Thank you. :) I really needed that. I didn't know if this was crap or not. ^_^ This chapter is for you!

Oh, and thanks also to my muse. Rúmil baby, I couldn't do it without you. 

'Dwarvish'= Dwarvish

********************************************

After pondering my intensely intellectually question (here's a recap of that: _Where am I?_), I came to the conclusion that it would to best to scout out the area. Always the practical one, I locked the car door after retrieving my backpack. 

There were no landmarks of any kind that looked familiar, so I forged on. After walking for a few minutes I saw a hugish boulder. I decided to check it out. 

Heh, this place is so desolate that BOULDERS are interesting. I'd rather have a swamp in Florida than live in this wasteland. 

Once I had come upon this marvel of nature, something struck me mentally. 

There's something odd about this rock, like it is a secret--

And that's all the warning I got before I was attacked. It seemed only a blur of metal that led up to me being stopped dead in my tracks with a spear up to my neck.

~

I'll stop briefly here to give you a rundown of my surroundings. The one holding my life in checkmate looked like a stunted man at the age of oh, say, forty-five. He looked pretty pissed off, like he was missing Miller Time with all of his friends. And dirty. Man, he was a walking---er----standing poster boy for HoA (Hobos of America). Adding to the hobo look, he appeared as though he hadn't shaved since Y2K (A/N- sorry, I don't know where the y2k part came from ^_^). 

Yeah, THEN I took note of his clothes.

Final verdict? An alcohol-deprived stunted hobo from the medieval era. I could see little evidence of actual material because of his armor. He was covered almost entirely in metal from head to toe, complete with metal shoes, shin guards, a breastplate, a mail shirt, arm braces, and a helmet. I should probably have been thinking about other things (like, for instance, if I was going to die n such), but all I could think about was how he felt whenever he took all of that off. Seriously, it must feel weird to go all day with all of that weight then come home and--

Oops. Yes, well, back to the story.

~

'Who are you, and wherefore do you trespass?' 

Just from my natural brilliance, I could tell Hobo was asking me a question. What it was I can only guess. The language sounded rough, making me think of Norwegian with all of those K's. But I've wanted to visit Norway despite their language for a while because I want to see snow. I'm seventeen, and I've never seen snow, how sad is that? I want to go around Christmas-time to see--

Once again I was brought to the present, this time by the thoughtful Hobo and his delightful spear. I did what I call "rewinding the tape" in my head (A/N- isn't that awesome how you can not be listening to someone, then just kinda think back and you remember what they said? That will never cease to amaze me ^_^), and found that he said something else. But this time it sounded like he was using another language. I decided to test the waters.

"Um yeah, I still don't understand what you're saying. My name is Tricia, and I think I'm a little lost. Can you point me in the general direction of Highway 290?"

Hobo looked somewhat confused for a second. He then said something to his hobo buddies (there were two others with him), and they prodded me as if to tell me to start walking.

"Hey, I'm not a cow, thank you very much. " 

Alas, this too fell on deaf ears as I was herded around the boulder to the other side. There Hobo turned over a rather large rock with a big "ooomph!"

To my surprise I found a staircase leading down the ground. So great was my astonishment that I could only stare at it agape. Hobo-Friend #1didn't like this too much, so the blunt end of the spear met with my back for the bazillionth time.

"All right all right, I'm moving," I muttered, with my hands in the air as if surrendering. 

The Hobo Trio led me down. And down. And just for kicks, down farther. It's in times like these, when three short scary weirdoes are forcing me beneath the ground walking steadily downward in complete darkness (thank God for handrails), that I get to thinking. _Why me?_ is always a good start, but I went for something more specific. Example: _Could this have anything to do with the muffin I ate this morning? Am I on one of those candid camera shows? Why doesn't milk curdle in the stomach? _Well, I don't know where the third question came from, but I don't argue with Rúmil.

Then, just as I began drooling over the thought of my muse, it hit me: the hobo looked a hella lot like the dwarves in Lord of the Rings. And Hobo had spoken two languages. Dwarvish and Common? That was the only thing that sounded close to being right. And if those things are dwarves, then I am currently going deeper and deeper into a mine. In the fantasy world shown in the movies. In Middle-Earth. 

My laughter could be heard from miles.

******************

Heh. Good stuff. If you can't tell, I'm not easily convinced. ^_^ Read and review and make my day! :)


	4. King of the Hobos

Here is Chapter Four

I hope my readers I don't bore

Review coz you're kind

Money neither would I mind.

^_^ 

By the way, this story is FU (Fake Universe ;))- it's post RotK, Gimli is the leader of the dwarves (though not too nice), and the tension between the races of elves and dwarves is still present.

'Dwarvish' = Dwarvish

~Common~ = Common

Eowyn of Ithilien- Thanks for reviewing. I will introduce the lost colony of Roanoke in the next few chapters. Rúmil and I have agreed on that. *nods* I'm really excited about this story. ^_^

KittyCat--Thanks for reviewing too! I will say hi to Rúmil for you, but I don't think he'll be pleased you called him a girl. :b

*****************************

As with all good things, the traverse down the stairs soon came to an end. I was still snickering as Hobo and Company™ steered me towards a large open room (there were finally lanterns lighting the way). I tried to humorously strike up a conversation…("So, are you taking me to your leader or what?")…before I remembered that he could not understand me. Language barriers are teh suck. 

But anyways, back to the present. I have to say that I was wrong when I said the room was large; it was in fact gargantuan. Huge archaic-looking stone pillars seemed to stretch for an eternity upwards. It was amazing how people could do all of this underground. Guess that explains all the dirt on their faces. I could only cringe when thinking about what their fingernails looked like. These people must be dirtphiliacs or something. No one could possibly spend so much time--

It was at this time that I found we had stopped in front of a crude throne carved out of what appeared to be some kind of shiny metal. On it was someone who was similar to Hobo sans the armor and only some of the dirt. Come to think of it, he bore a semblance to that dwarf on Lord of the Rings (A/N--you know, it's funny how when some people write these stories, they are like "_I don't even like Lord of the Rings, much less seen the crappy movie" _n such, but really the person writing the story must know it pretty well to write a fanfic on it. I know they are just coming from a different angle and all, but it's still amusing. ^_^ I hope you understood what I was trying to say, though that was probably the run-on of the century.).

'Name yourself, human.'

"I'm gonna go with what I told Hobo here. My name is Tricia, and I'm lost. Where exactly am I?" 

I pointed to myself when I said my name, hoping he'd get the point. King of the Hobos seemed to understand.

'Gimli,' he said, pointing to his chest. 

Grand, so he thinks we are in Middle Earth. He's not convincing me, however.

"Right, and I am Michael Jackson. You can't make me believe I'm in a fantasy land, so just start speaking English because the gig is up." Did I mention I was going into a wee bit of hysterics? Because I was. Because no one was moving or taking off masks or popping out from corners saying "hah, got you!"

King Hob--Gimli and Original Hobo exchanged a few words that mostly came out grunts, and I was led back through the hall through more corridors. My eyes still weren't used to the extreme darkness, so I couldn't quite tell where we were headed.

Turns out that they were giving me a free night's stay in their luxurious dungeon. When we got to an empty cell, er, room, they gently shoved me into it, but not before "relieving" me of my backpack first. 

As I suddenly found myself with some extra time, I sat down in a relatively dry spot in said cell. _This can't be legal. Even if this is all a scam, they can't do this. Can they? Well, I guess there doesn't seem much I can do until the hobos come back. But what if this is real? _ The thought left me dumbstruck. After a brief pause, I reassured myself. _Of course not. This is absurd. There is only one planet inhabited by people, and that's grand ol' Earth._

I thought that was enough to put me at ease, but I couldn't stop the doubts.

__

This can't be real, can it?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I blinked. It only seemed like a blink anyways, but my watch beeped telling me it had been two hours. Thank goodness for those glow-watches. I think I would go insane if I didn't know what time it is, another one of my quirks.

__

I wonder if anyone notices I'm gone. Hmmm. Oh! If this is really Middle Earth, I wonder if time passes differently here. Many of those Mary-Sues I've been reading made up some crap about that. Yeah, but we all know it's just a sorry excuse for getting to live fifty years in Middle-Earth with darling Legolas (that is, of course, if you haven't found some way to turn yourself elven) and come back to Earth after a tragic death only to found that two minutes have passed. Ha! Well, you have to respect those people…and their obsessions…for trying so hard. 

Chuckling, I looked at my watch again. 12:34pm. _If I was at school, I would be eating lunch right now, _I thought absently.

As if on cue (A/N--don't you hate that phrase? Me too. ^_~), Hobo Guard, accompanied by what looked like a maid, appeared. The maid/cook/servant smiled as she gave me the food when the guard opened the door. I found myself faintly grinning back, and she left. The guard gave me a "hrumph" and left also.

With that, I turned my full attention to the tray in my hands. I sat back down and mulled over what exactly this food could be. Stale bread….is that cheese?…and a slab of raw-ish meat. Can't forget the ale! As I didn't want to know if the cheese was expired or not, I picked the bread up and pushed the rest to the other side of my cell.

Let me tell you, I've never worked my masseter so brutally. I could only stand a few bites before I gave up, chucking the sorry excuse for bread across my cramped cell. I curled up and rested my head on my jacket, and fell back into dreamland.

I happened to be having a lovely dream with yours truly and a certain Captain Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean when I was rudely awakened. This time I was woken up by a jarring kick to the shin.

"OWWWW." I turned to face the spawn of Satan who would dare to kick me.

'Get up, human,' Misc. Hobo said, motioning with his hands.

"All right, all right, I get it." I've never been a morning person, but this fellow was pushing it. We walked out of my room (no Continental breakfast, how rude) to be joined by more guards. But we didn't head toward the throne room of…heh….Gimli. Instead, we arrived at a smallish room with no windows and metal bars on the door. There was a table in the middle of the room with a chair on either side.

__

A questioning room. Oh boy.

The one who woke me guided me to one chair, pushed me into it none too gently, then waved the two others out. They took up post outside the door.

Misc. Hobo then proceeded to his chair and the questioning. I had a sinking feeling that this was going to be a long and vain session.

'Where are you from?'

Blink.

~Where are you from?~

Blink.

~You are human, how can you not understand Common? Unless, of course, you are a spy and only pretending that you know not Common.~ He looked as if he was waiting for an outburst of some kind, but all he got was a

Blink.

He sighed and leaned back, just staring at me. Then suddenly, he sat up straight. It was as if some great truth dawned on him. Little did I know what was going on in his head.

Could she be one of them?

**************************************

Eh, I'm not too good with ze cliffhangers. But anyways, this was a tad bit longer coz I got in trouble and couldn't upload the chapter yesterday. Review please! ^_^


	5. Tricia the Escapist

I've found that if nothing else, school is good for writing fanfics. Let's all give school a hand. 

*crickets* ^_^

Brunette--No, the dwarf was not thinking about Mary-Sues. I am not doing a Mary-Sue parody as though lose my interest quickly unless they are original in SOME way. Thanks for reviewing!

Kitty--Rúmil forgives you, kinda. He says that to earn his complete forgiveness, you must give me (as in Tricia) $50. Silly Rúmil. ^_^

And in case you've forgotten:

'Dwarvish' = Dwarvish

~Common~ = Common

Elvish = Elvish

Well, that (^) one is new. ^_^

Without further ado, chappie five.

*************************

Contrary to what I thought, Misc. Hobo did not keep me for very long. In fact, he seemed in such a hurry to get somewhere that he did only a cursory job on locking my cell.

__

Wait just a second…

Simply to test my luck, I nudged the door.

It opened.

Holding back a shout of joy, I slowly pushed the cell door to the right, widening my chance for escape with every millimeter. I could not help but cringe every time it creaked. _Haven't these people heard of WD-40?_

The corridor was only dimly lit, so it set the right mood when I began humming the Mission Impossible song. I crept along, praising my silence until my stomach started growling.

__

Last food time? Oh yeah, that would be the delightful combination of rock and bread I had for lunch yesterday. Well, first I'll worry about breaking out, THEN how I'm going to survive…I wonder where they put my backpack…

I kept thinking and slinking along until I approached an intersection of halls. I formed my hands into a gun and plastered myself to the wall. When I came to the edge, I did a quick double take and sped across to the other side. And yet, I found no hobos.

__

Something must be going on. Those little people occupy this place like ants.

I dropped my faux weapon and walked normally. But as I progressed, the clanging of metal got louder and louder. Catching myself before I ambled into the middle of the throne room, I crouched down to see a peculiar site. It looked like the hobos were battling the very opposite of themselves: tall, quick, beautiful, and clean (A/N: cheap shot, I know) beings. I put two and two together and came to the conclusion that this was no movie production.

__

Well, I guess this is the best chance I have to make a run for it. I certainly don't want to get mixed up in this. I'll go on three.

One.

I got in a running position.

__

Two.

I peeked around the corner to make sure everything was clear.

__

Three!

I put my foot out to begin sprinting to the ever-elusive staircase to freedom. That is, until I felt a strong grip on my arm. Then I only jumped six feet because said hand (and person) managed to scare the crap out of me. I slowly turned around to find myself face to face with…_an elf?_

__

Well this is an interesting twist. I think I finally believe I'm really in Middle Earth. Question is, what should I do now?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While he was trying to figure out why a human would be in a dwarf's mine during a battle between said dwarves and elves, I made up my mind to not be there when he came to a conclusion. I quickly shrugged of his hand from my shoulder and continued my dash to the staircase. It seemed the elves had found some other way to penetrate the mine so that they were not swarming around my escape route , so I guess I was lucky in that respect.

In the respect that I can't run as fast as elves do…well, there I wasn't so lucky. The assclown felt the need to completely take me down to the ground by tackling me, which knocked the air clean out of me. This gave my assailant enough time to lift me up and hold a knife to my neck.

~I do not know why you are amongst the enemy, but you shall come with us.~

I assumed he said something about taking me captive, so I chose not to answer as he probably was not looking for my consent. He began dragging me away from the fray deeper into the mines.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a lovely walk through the mine which included me jumping over and dodging dead bodies, Elf (that is what I named him) and I arrived at the Elvish camp…above ground, for which I was immensely thankful. Elf tied my hands behind my back and led me a table that had two dark-haired elves gazing at a map of some sort. They glanced up, and Elf started speaking swiftly in Sindarin. Number One of the Dark-Haired Elves at the Table (DHEatT) looked kind of like Elrond, but I was not sure. I tested my LotR knowledge to try to see where they were from.

__

Lessee…elves from Lothlorien have light hair, and elves from Mirkwood and Rivendell have dark hair. I looked at the elves' hair. _Just my luck, they have dark hair. So that rules out Lothlorien anyways. Hmmm...well, if I see two guys who look identical, it could be Elladan and Elrohir from Rivendell. Except that there could be twins in Mirkwood too. And Elf has golden hair. Gah, this is too complicated._

Meanwhile, the DHEatT had been staring at me. _Oh fookers, they've been talking, and I wasn't listening. I wish there was some language of Middle-Earth I knew. Some rather fanatical Mary-Sues like to pretend that Common is the same as English. Too bad it isn't. And all I know is a few random Sindarin words that I've picked up from fanfics. I am in biiiig trouble. _

They looked like they were waiting for an answer.

"Um, yes. I've only repeated this a zillion times, and I don't want to again. Thing is, I don't know Elvish, Dwarvish, or Elvish."

Elf, who had been standing next to me during the exchange, started slightly before he could compose himself. Then, with a strong accent, I heard…

"You speak the tongue of the Strangers?"

******************

Hope you enjoyed chapter five. It took me awhile to write, and mostly I blame Rúmil. Hope to have another one up in a few days. Is this dumb? Is it okay? Maybe….maybe even good? Please review! ^_^


	6. Say what?

Note: Like I said, this is FU. It is a hundred or so years after the destruction of the One Ring. Oh yeah, the elves have not sailed to Valinor. They have granted my wish to stay on Middle-Earth for the duration of my story. ^_^

Disclaimer (coz I felt like it, damn it): I do not own any of the dwarves. I do not own any of the elves. I do not own any of the rocks. I do not own any of the grass. I do not--well, you get the picture. I do, however, own me. ^_^

Kitty--Rúmil says you can forget it, though he does send his condolences for the lost you are suffering. Rest in peace, Nikolai. '_'

The Fiend Maker Vendetta-- Thanks! I needed that encouragement. I think I'm just crazy but writing this kind of stuff is so much fun. ^_^ Oh yes, Rumil thoroughly enjoys back pack thoughts. Sometimes I don't know where I come up with them.

*********************************

__

It isn't even possible. Nope. Can't be. He didn't just speak in English.

"You just spoke in English."

I stole a glance at Elf. He had a smug look on his face.

"You are not like the others. They have blonde hair and blue eyes."

__

Tongue of the Strangers? I don't look like the others? What is he TALKING about?! No one else here should know English, unless….my classmates? Could they have warped here too? No, he couldn't have learned the language that quickly. So who could he be talking about? Oh wait, I get it, this is all a joke. I'm really not in Middle Earth. But then what about all of the killing?

I skimmed my surroundings.

__

Yep, this certainly is real. This is also certainly making me queasy, ugh.

Unbeknownst to me, I had been opening and closing my mouth, making me resemble a fish. When I came back to reality, the three elves looked amused though slightly annoyed at my hesitance. 

"Well?" prompted Elf.

I faced him. Well, I faced his neck. I looked up to see his face.

"What did you mean when you said," I imitated his thick accent, "'you are not like the others'? Are you going to kill me? How do you know English? What's your name? Are my classmates here? Could you untie me? Do you have my backpack? Why do permanent markers smell so good? Who are those guys at the table? Why are you guys here anyways? Where exactly am I?" 

I do not think he was prepared for my barrage of questions. Elf looked to DHEatT and back to me, with one eyebrow raised and a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth (A/N--another one of those phrases I've always wanted to say ^_^).

"I shall answer your questions, the ones I can," his forehead wrinkled in confusion, I presume from my permanent marker comment, "after you answer mine."

__

He asked me a question?

"You asked me a question?"

"I asked what you are called and from whence you came."

"Oh. My name is Tricia, and I'm from…you know, that might be a long story. We'll come back to that later. But I want to know--"

All of a sudden there was a ground-shaking explosion. It was all over in a second. The elves, I observed from my new position on the grass, had not even lost their balance. But in my defense, I _did_ have my hands tied behind my back. I glanced back up to see Elf and both DHEatT whispering furiously and pointing to the mine. No one seemed to notice me trying in vain to get up from the ground.

"Ooomph. Almost there….almost there….yes!"

I had succeeded in righting myself, and I was feeling pretty good about it. Unfortunately, this was pride was very short-lived as at that moment another explosion went off. This time I found myself face down in the grass. 

This really isn't cool. 

I did not have to worry about getting up this time because I was pulled up by Elf. 

"Come, you will stay with those Nadorhuanrim dwarf prisoners until we find that n'vanima ring." He hurried me along to a ditch-like structure on the far side of the camp.

"You mean this whole battle is over a stupid ring?" That seemed to piss off said elf, but I continued nonetheless. "Besides, you didn't answer my question…er…questions. Before you leave, I demand some explanations."

Obviously this had no effect on him. After dropping me off at the makeshift jail, he stalked off.

"Hey…HEY! You can't just….I need you to…you have to….ARGH!" My stammering failed to bring him back. It did serve, however, to earn me a glare from the elves guarding the dwarves. I glared back and stuck out my tongue, not caring if I looked childish.

I moaned and sat down heavily. This was mostly because my hands were still tied behind my back, but I was also incredibly frustrated. _Who does he think he is? He can't just leave me here. I have to get back to school, as ludicrous as that sounds. I can't even think straight. It's all that blonde haired freak's fault. _

This gave way to a new train of thought.

Everyone else here has dark hair. What's up with that? And one of those guys at the table seriously looked like Elrond. Arg, never mind that. I have bigger fish to fry. I'm having a crisis here, and all Elf can think about is some piece of trash ring. What ring could be so special? What damnable ring could cause--

__

Elladan or Elrohir. Vilya, the mightiest of the three Elven-rings….Glorfindel.

In a moment of clarity, it dawned on me. All my jumbled thoughts made sense.

I had just spoken with and been in the presence of Lord Glorfindel, Balrog Slayer of Gondolin.

*****************

This one took a few days because I was trying to figure out an angle. But I think my writer's block has gone away for the time being. \o/ Remember to review, my pretties. ^_^

Nadorhuanrim = cowardly dog

n'vanima = ugly

__


	7. Of ElfLords

Chapter Seven…..I don't eat bread that's unleavened…..

Kitty: Congrats on your two new muses.! May they have longer lives than Nikolai, may he rest in peace. *has a moment of silence*

'Dwarvish' = Dwarvish

~Common~ = Common

Elvish = Elvish

^Dream talking^= Dream talking

A/N: Sorry to my dear readers for not updating in awhile. Alas, I can't blame it on Rúmil. Actually, Rúmil has been giving me many good ideas. That's why I decided to give him a break and let him visit his brothers. ( I also made him promise to bring Legolas for a visit someday, but that's beside the point. ^_~)

I'll blame it on school. But now that I'm out for the next couple of weeks, I should be back to updating regularly.

Also, I made a few changes to the last chapter because I felt like I hurried it. Nothing too major, I just made it flow a bit better. So go back and read it. Now. 

And one last note: I'm currently listening to Coldplay, Something Corporate, and Enya, so I will not be held accountable if this chapter is a bit angsty. 

That is all.

^_^

***************************

If I was not already sitting down, I would have sat down.

__

Arg. All right, so I'm a prisoner of the elves of Imladris now. This brought wry thoughts of what had been running through my head the night before when I was in my cell in the mine…

Why dwarves? Why wasn't I captured by ELVES?

I looked around and decided it would be best to just try to get some sleep. My stomach growled, and I agreed with it to get food ASAP. _When this is all over, I'll pick a few bones with Glorfindel._

…..

__

That's something I never thought I'd think, I thought as I drifted off to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

^….and the actual retail price is….$19,203. The winner is Patricia Shaw! Congratulations on your lifetime supply of blueberry muffins!^ exclaimed Bob.

^Oh my God! Yes! Thank you, Bob!^ I ran over and hugged him, crying all the while. Suddenly, though, a change came over him.

^Wake up!^ Bob cryptically barked. 

^What?^ I questioned, a little crestfallen that my new hero was being so nasty to me.

^Wake up!^ He snapped again, taking me by the shoulders and shaking me.

"Fuck off, Bob!" I shouted as I opened my eyes. It was then that I noticed Bob had grown significantly younger with long blonde hair and bore a really amazingly close resemblance to….

Oh.

Glorfindel smirked and stood up. "Come, we have retrieved Vilya and are leaving. Lord Elladan commands that you come with us."

__

Ah, so that's who it was. I knew it had to be one of the twins sons of Elrond. I glanced around me.

"Where are all the dwarves?"

He snorted. "Unlike those foul creatures, we do not believe in needless death. Therefore, we have barred them in their own mine. It will give us sufficient time to leave. Now, come."

I shook my head to wake up and tried to stand up. Unfortunately, I was weak from just waking up plus no food in…a day and a freaking half. Glorfindel sighed and heaved me to my feet.

__

Damn, I could have used those muffins.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The elves were in no rush to leave, probably because of their pride, but it was sooner than I thought that I was on a horse with my backpack on my back ready to depart. I had convinced Glorfindel to cut my bonds, but he held the lead of my horse in his hands.

Then I remembered about my car.

"Um….Glorfy?"

The Elf-lord to my right looked at me wearily. Why wearily, you ask? Ever since he woke me up, I had not stopped bugging him with questions. Really, though, you can not blame me. One can not achieve that almost unattainable place between vague and revealing and not expect a cabillion questions. Oh, and he does not exactly enjoy the nickname I have attached to him. _Oh well, the good thing is that he gave me food. Lembas is actually pretty good stuff. Unlike Chinese egg rolls. Who actually knows what is in those things, anyway? It's all shredded, probably so that you don't know what it really is. Ew. _

"What is it?"

"I just said that it's all shredded so.. Oh." I blushed. I fought to keep some of my dignity. "Don't get surly with me," I glanced at him and then hurried on at his raised eyebrow," but uh see, there's this thing…and…I….um…"

"WHAT?"

"Ok ok ok….Ihaveacarandit'sovertheresomewherenearthemineandIcan'tleaveitthere.Canwegogetit?"

He blinked.

"What is a car?" 

__

Damn, he caught that part.

"Well, it's kinda hard to describe." He stared at me. "Ok, so it's not hard to describe. But you wouldn't believe me if I told you. Can I at least show you it?"

Glorfy gave me another withered look before passing the reins of my horse to one of the guards next to him and trotting off to the front of the column. There was not a whole lot to do, so I decided to try to communicate with the one who held my reins.

"Hello. My name is Tricia. Who are you?" I tried to use hand motions to get him to understand, but apparently it was not working. He only looked at me blankly and with an expression that said 'I'm better that you.'

"No you're not," I harrumphed and looked away. Out of the corner of my eye, I was prized with a confused look. My smug smile kept its place on my face until Glor came riding up.

"You will ride with me there. What are you waiting for? Let's go!" He thundered. Asfaloth mirrored its rider's mood with a loud whicker. I quickly scooted off my horse, as I did not want to worsen his already bad temper.

As I stood next to his horse, he lifted me up by the waist, and we rode off. Asfaloth set a brisk pace, and I flung my arms around Glorfindel's torso to keep from falling off. Soon I risked a question.

"So, why are you acting like a….why are you in such a bad….why aren't you happy?" So much for my daring inquiry.

He glanced back at me before replying.

"If you must know, Lord Elladan was not too pleased. Now they will have to wait for us to come back before leaving, and he wanted to depart before mid day. 

"Oh." I refrained from speaking until we arrived at my car.

Asfaloth came to a stop, and I jumped off. _This is my chance to escape. I'll just get in the car, lock the doors, and drive off! And to think they escorted me here. BWAHAHAHAAH!_

Glorfindel looked perplexed, and rightly so.

"What is it?" He asked.

"I'll show you." I whipped out my keys and unlocked the doors. I hopped in and relocked the doors. _Freedom! _I had the windows cracked so the car would not overheat, so I could not keep from mocking my captor through the space.

"Ha! Now you can't get me. So long, sucker!" I shouted this gleefully as I put the key into the ignition. I laughed at the enraged look on his face.

"You get out of there now!" He roared.

"Um, let's see….NO." I brought my attention back to turning on the car. I turned the key and waited for the car to start.

Nothing happened.

__

Oh shite.

I furiously began turning the key in the ignition, but it only serve to flood it. Finally I leaned back in my seat in defeat. Once again, peripheral vision came in handy. Glorfindel was standing a few feet from my door with crossed arms.

"Get. Out." This disturbing calm scared me more than his outrage.

I ignored him for the moment and took inventory of my options._ Excellent. I have just royally screwed myself. I can either leave the car and jeopardize my life…or I can stay in here. _I opened my glove compartment. Poptarts. _This should last me a few days. I know I have a few bottles of water in the back. _I stole another glance to my left. _Yep, I'll survive much longer if I just stay in the car._

"You try my patience, child. I will say this only once more. Get out of there." At this point in time, Glorfy whipped out his sword.

Suddenly, getting out of the car seemed like a very good idea. I opened to door….to face my doom.

__

**********************

Double the fun with Doublemint. Yep. I'm in the Christmas mood, so all who review receive a complimentary plastic Glorfindel complete with plastic Asfaloth. Saddle not included.


	8. Fun with Horses

Chapter Eight! 

I'm so great!

Disclaimer: I forgot to put this earlier, and I know lawyers will sue for ANYthing: I do not own Toyota. Thank you and goodnight.

Note: A friend has informed me that I had my settings set that no anonymous reviews could be submitted. But behold, now all of you anonymous people may now anonymously write me an anonymous review! ^_^

Rannie: Thanks for reviewing! (Not like you had a choice. ^_^) Yeah, there's many places this can go, which is why I'm having trouble with Rúmil-problems. HE wants me to go into more detail about the battle (typical man, er, he-elf). He shut up, though, when I reminded him who's authoress. ^_^ 

'Dwarvish' = Dwarvish

~Common~ = Common

Elvish = Elvish

^Dream talking^= Dream talking

*******************************************************************************

The sound of the car door slamming shut was ominous. Nevertheless, it could not beat the ominous-osity of Glorfy's still-drawn sword. Our eyes locked, but it was no battle. I looked down hastily because it was like staring a dog in the eyes.

….a dog with a sword….and long blonde hair…..

Unfortunately, I was not allowed to daydream past that random thought as the Elf-lord's voice broke my reverie.

"Now, if you are quite finished, we will be leaving," he said levelly as he sheathed his sword. I sighed in relief. I glanced furtively at my car, but there was nothing for it. I had managed to grab my cell phone, but one look as it and I could tell it would permanently be 'roaming'.

As I mounted Asfaloth and we rode off, I could not help thinking about my technological difficulties. _My car had been running just fine before I left it. I can understand my cell phone not working…as I'm kinda in another dimension and all…The strangest part about it all is that Glorfindel did not even look back at the car. It was like it wasn't even there when I got out of it. _

Same thing with my cellphone. I know he saw me looking at it…The only other technical things I have with me are my calculator and discman. When I'm by myself, I'll have to try them out to see if they work. Maybe there's some connection.

The land blurred as we flew past it. I found my arms once again wrapped around Glor's waist, but I did not remember putting them there.

__

Oh. I blushed. He must have done it. _I never thought that I would think Glorfindel hot. Seems almost blasphemous, what with my tiny tiny obsession with Legolas/Orlando Bloom. Yeah, he's hot, but I don't think I could think him more than 'eye candy'. _

No, I don't like Glorfindel. He is rude, demanding, arrogant, and stubborn. Sure, he's attractive, but most of the elves I've seen today are. 

With that last rational thought, I let my mind wander until we came again to the group of elven warriors. 

__

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Elladan looked decidedly pissed as we trotted up. In fact, _everyone_ looked decidedly pissed. We stopped in front of him.

Well? Where is this *thing* you told me about? he said, his disgust plain.

What thing? Oh. I. Um. Glor stuttered. He looked rather confused, as did Elladan.

Glorfindel? What's wrong? You've never….stammered before. He raised an eyebrow.

Glorfindel scratched his head. I don't know. It's the strangest thing. I can't seem to remember what it was she showed me. They both turned to me. _Oh no, what did I do. _He continued to look vexed as he tilted his head up, an indication of his intense meditation. 

Now Elladan looked bewildered. He gave me one more skeptical look before bringing his attention back to the blonde elf in front of him. It's all right, don't worry about it. Let's just leave before it gets dark.

Yes, Elladan, he said distractedly. He kicked Asfa into a gallop, and we came to our former position in the column. Before long I was back on my horse next to a slightly dazed Elf-lord. I decided that it would be most beneficial to my health not to bug him for a few hours. _Then_ I was going to get some serious answers about those people speaking the "strange tongue".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Now?"

"No."

……

"How abo--"

"NO!"

Unfortunately, my 'few hours' turned into fifteen minutes. It turns out that counting grass blades is hard to do when you're moving. I ventured another question.

"How man--"

"I just said NO! What part of NO do you not understand?" he roared.

I covered my ears. "Damn Glorfy, I was just going to ask you how many miles it is until we get there."

"Oh." He reddened a little. "I assume 'miles' is a measure of distance?" 

I rolled my eyes. "Yes. I guess that means you don't know. Oh wait! How many _leagues_ until we get there?" Like all good Lord of the Ring's fanfiction completely obsessed fans, I knew how many miles there are to leagues.

"Thirty."

"Ninety….miles….? On horses? I'm going to die." 

He shot me an amused look. "I take it you have never ridden on a horse before?"

"Once. At summer camp. But the stupid horse didn't do anything I wanted it to do. All he did was follow the leader. _Other_ peoples' horses bucked and ran off, but no, Zipper had do what he was supposed to." I sighed.

He ignored that last bit, I guess because he was hesitant to know why exactly I would want an unruly horse. "I knew you could not have been too much of a horse expert. You nearly sent me to the Halls of Mandos with the way you were holding on to me as if for dear life." He watched to see my reaction.

I did not disappoint.

"I hate you," I muttered as I pulled the hood of my jacket over my face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Soon enough, it became too dark to travel, and we stopped to camp under some trees from a forest near the road. I assessed my situation. _My clothes are dirty. I seriously need to take a bath. I'm probably going to be sleeping by that loser because he's the only one who knows English. I know he knows something, whether or not he says that I have to wait until we get to Imladris to discuss it. _

I wonder what they will do to me there. I don't exactly feel the love around here, what with all the dirty looks the soldiers are giving me. Should I try to escape?

Glorfindel spotted me amongst the chaos that was a few hundred elves unloading horses and trying to stake out a spot to sleep. _And then it comes back to him. What joy is he going to spread to my heart now?_

"You will be sleeping over there," he pointed to a place about a hundred feet away, "near me," he ended dryly.

"Oh Glorfy, I didn't know you cared," I replied sardonically. I grabbed my backpack and followed him to our makeshift beds.

He pointed to one pile of blankets. "Sit."

I saluted, "yes, sir," and plopped down. He rolled his eyes.

"Stay here, I am going to get some food."

"But what ever will I do while you're gone, Glorfy?" 

He sighed and left. I took this opportunity to see if my discman still worked. I turned it on in my backpack and put the headphones on. _ Ahhhh…the sweet sound of Coldplay. _Suddenly, though, it shut off.

"What the--"

"What is THAT?" Exclaimed Glorfindel, his dramatic effect only ruined slightly by the fact that his arms were loaded with food.

"Ummmm…" I knew I was going to have a hard time explaining _this_ one.

**********************************************************************************

It has come to my attention that some people think that my chapters are not long enough. -_- That's why this chapter is a little….lot shorter than the others. Just kidding, I have to leave to go to my grandmother's house now. I'll probably update on the 26th or the 27th, depending on if Rúmil comes along in the car. ^_^


End file.
